i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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