The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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