And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
