you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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