I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
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