why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
pop tarts are not kleenex
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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