You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I understand Curling. That high.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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