The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
