I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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