i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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