omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
