we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
