First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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