Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
