Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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