My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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