Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
