Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
