Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
We need to get me chipped asap
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
