Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
