Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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