there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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