A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
We had sex on a dog bed..
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
