I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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