Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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