I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
