I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm at about main and main street
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
