ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
