I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
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