Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
