she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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