I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
