every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
