So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Well I just put wine in my tea
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
