is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
