she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
