a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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