bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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