Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
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