I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
