apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize