I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
