Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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