hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
