Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
