You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
