Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
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