I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
