cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
