i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
