I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
