So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
