Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I forget how to act sober
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
