Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
